Who's Angry?

Who’s angry?

Maybe I should be asking, who’s NOT angry?

You have some free time and take a look at your social media. Head to Facebook and you see protesters, rioters, destruction. Memes about how disgusting President Trump is and his latest inappropriate action. Stories of inconsistent and bewildering rules during quarantine, perpetrated largely by Democrat mayors and governors and making average citizens angry. Read the comments and wow, the hate - from both sides – is palpable. Scary. Disgusting. Don’t bother going to Twitter as there are multiple contests to see who can be the nastiest and how many retweets of that can you get (I’m not even on Twitter and I know this).

Think smaller. Have you become angry because the car in front of you squeezed in instead of merging in the huge space between you? Has the small number of mask-wearing shoppers at Kroger angered you because, dammit, I am immunocompromised! The neighborhood pool is not open yet and I pay HOA fees for that, plus it’s ALWAYS open on Memorial Day! Well dammit; I’m going to complain about it on Facebook so everyone can see I’m angry.

When asked why everyone is so angry all the time these days, there’s one answer that stands out: Trump. He should NOT be president. Trump is angry. Trump is rude. Trump is disrespectful to others. Trump says mean things. Trump has no compassion. Trump has no filter. Trump is not polished, has no manners, has no empathy for others, is a racist, is a sexist, is a misogynist…the list could go on and on and on. Plenty of people have plenty of negative things to say about Trump and so HE is the reason everyone is so angry. HE is setting the example of being angry and ugly so we can be ugly and angry, too. We’re angry because of him and at him and angry because there are some pretty stupid people who are not angry at him.

It truly amazes me that people actually believe Trump made them be that way. Do these people take responsibility for their own anger? “Well, everything Trump does makes me mad so I’m mad at everything.” By extension, Trump is therefore responsible for everything.

So what about the people who support President Trump? They’re not mad at him (well, maybe tired of his misbehavior and wish he’d stay off Twitter but mad? No.) The Never-Trumpers like to say that’s because his supporters are ALL stupid, uneducated, racist, and worse. They SHOULD be mad and it’s WRONG that they’re not. Actually, the Trump supporters ARE mad. They’re mad that so many refuse to accept him as president, even three and one half years later. They are mad about the shenanigans in Washington, DC where high levels of the government have been secretly and not-so-secretly working in not-exactly-legal ways to remove him from office. They’re mad that the Never-Trumpers continually abuse the president (I know, easy target) and never, ever acknowledge he has done one thing to help our country. Everything is suspect.

So, everything is Trump’s fault and that’s why there’s so much anger? Hmmm…I think there’s a bigger problem. The problem is social media. Now I’m not saying to throw out the Trump anger, but I truly believe the growth of social media in our everyday lives has been astronomical. Honestly, people are talking to people more online than in person. Quite often, when online, you are also talking to people you barely know or don’t even know at all. You have no idea what they’re like or what they like; all you know are their words. And if you don’t like their words, no matter the intent, it is so, so easy to strike. Easy to sit at your keyboard or with your phone in hand, and send off a snarky or demeaning or angry message. We know this. We see it ALL the time. Now generally, many people would not treat their friends that way, and some might not treat their friend’s friends that way, but when someone is unknown to you, there’s often no holds barred. Things get ugly quick. And if you are on a news media or sports page, something that is in the public’s view, hold on for a bumpy ride. It’s truly amazing to see how normal, average, generally good-natured people can wield words like knives and cut someone to shreds. I know because sadly I have resorted to this a time or two…it happens to the best of us. Some people strike and move on, never thinking of what their words have done. Often it then becomes a pissing contest – which can be the meanest, the ugliest. Sometimes people are terribly hurt by the attack, and others just look at the ugliness and think, boy, that writer really has some problems. Hope he/she gets some help. No matter what, the anger and the ugliness are there, and someone will read it and become angry too, spreading the anger.

So here we are - an angry nation. Angry about Trump, angry about racism, angry about white privilege, angry about the coronavirus and quarantine, angry about losing jobs and homes, angry about lack of opportunity, and so much more. We’re labeled – stupid, uneducated, ignorant, apathetic, disrespectful, non-empathetic, privileged, and the worst – racist. All are meant to provoke and anger, but the word racist is the ultimate insult because anyone who says they are not racist WILL be targeted to apologize profusely and admit they have been guilty at some point in their life either on purpose, accidentally, or unknowingly.

In today’s social media world, it is sometimes hard to know when it is appropriate to be angry. Sometimes it’s better to just move on and ignore the word-slinger without rebuttal; sometimes I just leave them a smiley face to let them know I read their insults and continued on because their opinion was unimportant to me. Sometimes you want to know why they are so angry and try to reason things out. Ask yourself if you can move on or is this something you really care about and want to get your own point across. The latter happened to me recently.

A longtime family friend, a liberal, wanted friends to know if we were a Trump follower, supporting his words and actions, then we could no longer be friends because we had no empathy or compassion for others. Effective immediately. I thought about this most of the day and late that night decided I had to respond – as a Trump supporter. Now understand, I have never thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread; I only thought he was the better of the two available choices (Sorry. To me, Independent and Green Party candidates are wasted votes.) So many of us held our collective noses and voted for him. Since then we have heard ad nausea what a horrible person he is:

-          Racist I don’t believe that. I agree with his immigration policies and don’t agree with media clips out of context, plus many of us have heard of his generosity toward POC. He HAS condemned white supremacists. Past acts and his presidential record prove that. He has made comments that are blunt and inappropriate, usually directed at people who he dislikes and work against him (fact, not opinion). Behaving in a racist manner, not constantly, is not the same as BEING a racist. If it were, we would ALL be a racist and I do not believe that is a true statement.

-          Sexist  Trump is not “woke.” He likes to denigrate people he doesn’t like. Is it professional? Not at all. We all knew that going in and voted for him anyway. Not going to make any excuses for his behavior but that’s how he is, we knew that, and that kind of talk does not prevent him from getting things done. And that is what the people who voted for him wanted – someone to get things done. No BS. He’s a straight shooter and some people are not comfortable with that while it’s not a game-changer for others. At least he did not shove a cigar up the vagina of an intern in the White House. I’m of the age where in years gone by, it was not unheard of for men to talk dirty to each other. I’m not really surprised by this behavior but know that it happens, probably much less these days. I’m a realist.

-          Child Molester Trump was accused (and charges dropped 2 times) of raping a 13 year old. Jeffrey Epstein, a known sex trafficker, was said to have hired her but after he “committed suicide” we’ll never know the truth of the matter. Accusations are not convictions, period.

-          Optics This week Trump visited a firebombed church and held up a bible – the media and church people went ballistic. He wasn’t invited, the church said. He ordered tear gas on the protesters, the media said. The park police, policing the area at the time, stated no tear gas was used but smoke canisters were after protesters began throwing things at the police. So who do you believe? THIS was my friend’s LAST straw and why he issued the edict to denounce Trump as a racist or there will be consequences.

OK then.

So yes, I was angry. And the longer I tried to explain why I would not state that Trump was a racist, the more this friend tried to bully me into it. I was told to “take that education, take those years of respect, kindness, dignity, and tolerance and shove them down the toilet where all the Trump votes belong,” that “I will be judged by history” and that “it sucks to feel persecuted for a belief.” Another person told me I was “enabling a child rapist racist makes you a racist who doesn’t care about child rape.” Well then, at least it didn’t get ugly. And I didn’t give in…I just stopped responding.

So here’s a rule about political arguments …

1.       Don’t bother

Nobody wins because most people DO NOT CARE what anyone else believes. They are RIGHT and you are NOT. The most you can do is to get things off your chest and move on.

So why did I engage? I didn’t have to. I could have slunk quietly off into the night and never have responded; after all it wasn’t directed specifically to me. But in reading the responses, it occurred to me that when people issue an ultimatum, sometimes someone has to be brave enough to say no. If you truly believe something then you need to stand up for it, even under overwhelming odds and knowing full well that you may indeed lose some friends. I stood up (so unlike me, by the way).

As for my beliefs – yes I do support Donald Trump. I don’t do so lightly. I don’t particularly care for the man. It is true he is not “presidential” and he’s all the negative things I previously said. There is a lot that is unlikeable with him but you have to admit he gets things done and THAT is why he was hired, not because he’s a smooth talker (like some previous hires). But, I (and many others) believe that our government has been corrupt for years. The powerful people in charge tend to enjoy that power and often become corrupted, forgetting they work for us, not the opposite. They are not there to become rich and powerful; they are there to do right by our country and all of our people and we believe that has sadly been missing to the point we are now in big trouble. To nearly be forced out of office by lies and underhanded behavior is a sad example of this. For people so upset that their candidate was beat by Trump that they would resort to the unethical behavior that is slowly coming to light is unconscionable. So yes, this is why we “deplorables” are angry. This is not conspiracy theory. This is truth. And if you do not like my truth then you have decisions to make about our relationship. But it is MY truth and I am not ever going to force it on anyone else, unlike my friend.

We are all different and I accept that. Can you?

Triggered

It’s interesting how people handle their "mental trauma" through the years and for some of us it might get worse as we age. Maybe it’s because those unresolved issues that we managed to stuff down deep rise in our consciousness again. Something triggers a memory and brings back issues you thought you were over. I have dealt with this personally, from both sides.

One is with my mother.

**********

My parents had a miserable 10 year marriage. Apparently both wanted to back out before the ceremony but friends on both sides talked them into continuing. They divorced at the end of my 4th grade year, and Mom brought Nancy and me back to Chicago (we had been living in Miami). After one year, she had hooked up with my dad's former best friend Hal and decided she didn't want to be a single parent, so she shipped us back to my dad in Miami who was now married to Dottie. ((#1)) I never lived with her again. She wrote to us and called occasionally but I honestly don't remember ever seeing her again in person until I graduated from HS.

Dad and Dottie divorced when I graduated from high school and sold our house, then Nancy & I moved to an apartment with him. He took the proceeds from the house sale and proceeded to drink and drug it away. He came home one night absolutely shit faced, trashed the apartment and threatened to kill us. Nancy and I both moved out in morning, staying with friends. We called our mother and were told there was nothing she could do to help us. (Her later version - she had offered for us to come to Chicago and she would help out but I don't remember that at all. If she did, it certainly was not her immediate reaction). ((#2))

A few years later I got married to Phil. Big mistake. The marriage lasted only 4 years, both of us victims of our parents’ divorces. We visited Mom and Hal in July 1976. Hal (drunk) took an instant dislike to Phil and threatened him with a loaded pistol, then threatened to kill both of us so we hightailed out of there. What a fun Bicentennial 4th of July.  All my mother did was stand there and cry. ((#3))

This happened before I was even 25 - denied help, support and love 3 times during traumatic events. Over the years we've had a tenuous relationship and visited a few times but have NEVER been close. She has had a massive martyr complex for years and loves to cry "poor me." Both Nancy and our half-brother Scott see this, know this, and we've talked about it many times. She was not (is not) a good (loving, kind, supportive) mother and she's a cold grandmother and great-grandmother. She says she “was there for the important things – weddings and graduations” and yes she was, for some of them. But what’s more important are the little things, the regular interactions, the support and lessons and love, the understanding that someone is always “there” for you.  We've tolerated her, especially me - as long as she keeps her distance and has low expectations of a relationship with me.

So, what was my trigger and how has the aftermath played out?

Within the last year my mother wrote an apology letter to me, saying how sorry she was for all she did and didn't do and how she's always loved me deeply and would it be possible for me to forgive her. After a great deal of thought, I decided I had to tell her my truth - that I do not love her, that I do not consider her a mother in the true sense of a nurturing being, and that I prefer to keep our relationship as that of acquaintances. I figure she's 85 and trying to settle her debts before she passes on but sorry, it's too late for that with me. What's she's done now, wanting forgiveness and a better relationship, has only made me more affronted by her behavior. I was okay with our relationship as it was but now that she wants more it just sickens me and I can never forget the 3 times she denied me, even though they happened so long ago. I can never forget a lifetime of having a mother who never acted like one and now it's too late for that. I feel sorry for her, that her inadequacies and personal problems and relationships made her behave the way she has her entire life but I want nothing from her now. Professing her deep and abiding love for me only sickens me - too little, way too late.

Funny how we carry these feelings for so long, buried deeply for so long, and then something triggers the vault door to open and all the hurt and anger and disgust, stewing for years, meets the light of day.

What's incredible is that no one in our families has trained as a psychiatrist what with all the deep shit we carry. Maybe we're all just a little bit crazy. When they say "time heals all wounds" that's a crock of shit, isn't it?

Funny thing is...I forgave my dad a long time ago, but I cannot forgive my mother. My dad was an absolute asshole growing up, an angry dictator who punished by intimidation, overkill, and whipping our bare bottoms with a belt. After he married Marianne he became more attentive to us and involved in our lives, and at one point he tearfully and sincerely apologized to me in person. They moved from Miami to be closer to us and he was a wonderful grandpa to Shannon and great grandpa to Rachel before he died. He was invested in us and showed that he wanted relationships with us - unlike my mother. It made a big difference. I'm pretty close with Marianne - not because she's a stepmom, she's NOT because she's only 2 years older than I am - but because she's a good person, kind, loving, supportive. I don’t think my mother has ever understood any of this.

**********

The other is with my step-daughter, Michelle. The details have been laid out in previous entries so I’ll just skip ahead to more current times.

There still has been no communication after six and a half years. For our granddaughters’ Christmas presents we send gift cards and I make something cute for each of them. For birthdays we also send gift cards. Since there is no communication and extremely few photos on Facebook, gift cards are the most reasonable presents as we have no idea what they like, want or need. Generally we get simple thank you notes for Christmas addressed to “Collettes.” But not this year. Specifically, the greeting on each note was “Dear Papa” with the obvious intention to exclude me and I can easily guess why.

September 29, 2019 our former sister-in-law Jennifer took exception to a picture I had posted of Shannon with the caption “My one and only” – meaning the only child I had given birth to, on Daughter’s Day. Simple, right? Not in the small little world where Betty can do nothing right. Here goes:

J: You do have a step daughter

Me: Who has refused to speak with us for more than 6 years

J: Sorry for that but as a step daughter I would feel terrible if my step mother or step father said I didn’t exist. She is also Shannon’s sister and Brian’s daughter. It takes a bigger person to rise above which begins healing…

Me: Oh, J. It does take some balls to open this gaping familial would. Are you trying, in some way, to help bridge the divide? No one said or inferred that she did not exist. But after 6 years with no communication from her, no sign that her ice cold hatred of me was thawing, no inkling that she was possibly thinking enough time had passed that she could be in the same room with me without scratching my eyes out, do you honestly think I should post that I have an equally delightful stepdaughter that I’d love to acknowledge on Daughter’s Day? Bear in mind that I do not hate or despise her; I don’t even dislike her. What I do feel is a great, deep sadness that there is something that keeps us divided and she refuses to talk to me or work with me to bridge this divide. That in no way means that I blame her for our difficulty…obviously both of us have issues. BUT, there truly is nothing I can do or say that will do any good unless she is willing to talk to me. So far, that has not happened. If you have some magical words or potions that will bring about a change in that status, please feel free to share. I truly wish it were simple to “be the bigger person to rise above it which begins healing…” As for being Shannon’s sister and Brian’s daughter, please do not make the mistake of thinking I coerced either one to cut off communication with her. I could not live with myself if I had imposed such a directive on them. Their relationship (or lack thereof) with her was totally decided by them. It’s truly sad that sisters and cousins have had no communication in 6 years, and the same goes for the father-daughter relationship. I never dreamed “this” would have such deep and longterm repercussions, yet here we are. Again, I will say there is not a thing I can do unless she is willing to talk with me. I don’t see that has ever changed. I wish it would. But, I will not force myself on anyone. If and when she’s ready, I will be there.

J: You opened it by putting “my one and only” on social media. Sounds to me like a petty move to rub salt on a wound. All I see is that it won’t help only hurt things when you believe so hurtfully. I feel I know her heart and can relate as I have a blended family. Sometimes it takes a little compromise – but I see you would not be willing anyways.

Me: I am really not sure why you have inserted yourself in a situation which has nothing to do with you. You are so concerned about Michelle’s feelings but apparently care nothing about mine. My post was about my daughter and had nothing to do with Michelle. It was not at all in my mind to be disrespectful to or about her since we have had no communication for years. We are not FB friends and in fact are blocked from each other. She would have not access to anything I say on FB just as I have no access to her’s…unless someone like you decided to pass that on. Then you would be doing a huge disservice to both of us – looking for a way to be ugly to me and a way to stir the pot with her. I would appreciate it if you would cease with the comments as you are totally wrong. As I said several times, I TRIED to discuss our difficulties with her and SHE refused. Please explain to me how that is an indication that I am unwilling to compromise! It is QUITE the opposite. So now I have family problems on my page because you chose to put it there instead of sending me a personal message. If your goal was to “put it on social media” then you have achieved your goal. YOU have made a mountain out of an unintended molehill. Pretty strange, after years of not commenting on my posts and with occasional “likes,” THIS is what I get from you? I wasn’t behaving hurtful, I was honoring my daughter. Did not even cross my mind about Michelle as we have had NO contact as I have stated several times. Sometimes the best thing to do with a deep hurt is to put it to the side so it doesn’t become an obsession, as in what can I do? What did I do? How can I fix it? What is going on? Frankly, I find myself thinking about her quite often, despite trying to put her out of my mind. What part of “SHE REFUSES TO TALK TO ME” do you not understand?? How is THAT my fault?? You may believe you know her heart but you know NOTHING about mine. NOTHING AT ALL  if you think I am unwilling and hurtful. I am speaking like this now because I am totally pissed that you have intruded on a post that had nothing to do with you and have said awful and untruthful things about me, and refused to understand what I was saying about situation with Michelle.

ONE.

MORE.

TIME.

MICHELLE HAS REFUSED TO SPEAK WITH ME!!!

If she should change her mind about that, I would be more than willing to reach out to her, but that has NOT happened!!!

DO.

YOU.

UNDERSTAND??

That is NOT being unwilling. It is saying I will not force myself on someone unwilling to talk with me!! I AM willing to talk, to compromise, to do whatever it takes…when it will be openly, willingly accepted. I repeat – to my knowledge, nothing has changed so you can STOP with your ugly accusations. I’ve made this as PLAIN as I can. Stop already!

Me: Actually, my biggest mistake was in responding to your first comment. You had no business writing that and I should have immediately deleted it. No…instead I tried to explain and reason, totally forgetting that there will always be those who don’t respond well to explanations and reason, especially when they don’t fit an agenda. Your agenda was to defend Michelle against me – she doesn’t need defending and I don’t need to be attacked. End of story.

I always liked you, Jennifer, but you have stepped way out of line here. So, end of relationship, too. Have a nice life.

J: Sorry Betty, if you don’t want comments and opinions don’t post. Obviously we both have opinions in this. I unfollowed you and will miss pics of Rachel but see Shannon’s so farewell too.

That was pretty bizarre. Just exactly how am I supposed to speak with someone who will not speak to me? Call? Nope – she’s already said numerous times she will not speak to me. Camp on their doorstep? See previous answer. Write a letter? She told me she hates when I write so that would be useless too. I’m at a loss here because she will not speak to me - or Brian – about any of this. She refuses to meet with us. She will not allow me in her house. Six and a half years later and we’re still following her rules. Bottom line here is that I am sure Jennifer gleefully shared the above exchange as further evidence that I am a rip roaring bitch…but only if you don’t actually read what I wrote. And to clarify – I have been a stepdaughter and have had stepparents, so yes I do know what it feels like to be part of a blended family; and why would I make “a petty move to rub salt in a wound” when I am talking only about my daughter and Michelle is blocked from my FB anyway? Some people really do love to stir up trouble, and Jennifer is a master at that.

Anyway…it got me to thinking…why did Michelle get so furious that we took Rachel to Dewberry Farms? That’s what started this craziness. What was her trigger?

Her trigger was Dewberry Farms, of course, but why?

*We did not ask our other granddaughters to go.

True, but actually, they had a garage sale scheduled for that same day and had been building it up for weeks with the girls. Ours was a last-minute decision. We knew they were already busy.

*They ALWAYS ask us.

Um, no…they did a lot of things without us, with the other grandparents and aunts, uncles, friends.

*I was trying to hide it because I did not post my pictures like I always do.

My pictures were on my actual camera and took more effort to upload – I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet.

*That led to other instances of when we were selfish and never gave equal presents to their girls

Rachel’s situation was different – living with us, with both parents in college and not much money coming in, other relatives don’t buy for Rachel like theirs do, Michelle conveniently forgot she was an only child living near her own grandparents when growing up and was treated like a princess.

*A week or so later I invited Michelle and girls to see the play Pinkalicious via email and said tickets were available. I did not call because she had been so ugly to both of us, and I thought I was being conciliatory by reaching out to her as I didn’t know if she would even want to be with us.

She was PISSED that I emailed and didn’t call and didn’t buy the tickets myself.

*I shared a meme about karma on FB related to my situation with my former principal

Mark called and screamed at Brian, who handed the phone to me, then screamed at me that I was posting ugly things about Michelle and karma on FB. Seriously??? No!

*I shared something about the karma incident on FB and being screamed at.

Michelle got pissed and wrote on FB “We KNOW who you’re talking about!”  Well of course, who else would call and scream at me over something so stupid and not even valid.

And it got worse from there…

…all because we did not take the other granddaughters to Dewberry Farms.

We didn’t know we weren’t “allowed” to do separate fun things with Rachel.

Her trigger goes back to her childhood, where she was the special grandchild, the one living with only one parent (thanks to Debbie) and used to being the center of attention. Her mother doted on her.

When I wrote my letter to Debbie, telling her to back off from telling Brian what to do and how to do it BECAUSE THEY WERE DIVORCED, NO LONGER MARRIED – that was the end of my relationship with Michelle. I had interfered in their group and insulted her mother so I was no longer worthy to be considered human. I was evil. That was followed by years of Michelle refusing to visit us and me being ignored at Christmas and birthdays. I was okay with being ignored but I made sure that Brian maintained contact with his daughter. That has never been acknowledged by her. After her high school graduation she thawed a bit toward me, and later moved back to Texas with Mark. We took things slowly but we got along decently. It was my idea to decorate their house when they got married. It was my idea to get their crib and put it together while they were at their baby shower in Arizona. That was never acknowledged. I walked on eggshells for years, knowing how easy it would be to piss her off and not wanting to upset the relationship she had with her father and sister. Then the shit hit the fan when we took Rachel to Dewberry Farms. Michelle and her family had been insulted, and it was all my fault. All of it. Every bit. For years. I am evil. I am a bitch. I am not worthy.

Actually, it’s that I am an introvert. I am quiet. I like to be helpful. I don’t generally talk a lot. I don’t like arguing. I think. I worry. I’m stubborn. I’m intelligent. I don’t like being dismissed. I like to be included even if I’m quiet. I like order. Maybe some of my characteristics and personality traits come across negatively, and for that I am sorry. I’m not intentionally rude, and I do not like rude behavior. But none of this matters, because in the eyes of my step-daughter, I am a bitch without value.

You know what I am proud of?

I am proud of Brian, my husband.

He has stood up for me. He has not allowed his first daughter to run his life. He tried for years to be a decent long-distance father but was rebuffed over and over. He was yelled at. He was ignored. He was belittled. I insisted he not give up. He didn’t even though he wanted to, many times. When Michelle moved back to Texas he was happy to have her here in our lives, happy to have a relationship with her, Mark, Rian and Presley. But he was not happy with the expectation that he had to give me up for Michelle. And that’s why this situation has gone on so long – because he supports me and will not be intimidated by a daughter that expects people to follow her rules. He is the adult. She is not. And I am proud that he sees that. I am sad that we have lost an important part of our family but sometimes you just have to stand firm. And he’s standing firm – no foolishness.

I am also proud of Shannon, our daughter.

She has also stood up for me. She sees what her sister has tried to do. She knows, God knows she knows that I am not perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. But, I love my daughter with all my heart and I have seen her hurt. For years, when Michelle refused to visit, it was Shannon who suffered the most. She talked constantly about her big sissy, how much she loved her sissy, when was her sissy coming to visit. She didn’t hear from her sissy often. She was thrilled when Michelle and Mark came to live here, when she was in high school. But during that time she was often ignored, even when it was her last choir concert and they didn’t want to go hear it. She saw how difficult Michelle could be at times but said little about it. Then she watched as Michelle tried to tear apart her mom and dad and took a stand. When she and Justin were married, she purposely did not send them an invitation. I had nothing to do with her decision…she told me a wedding was no place for tension and there would be tension if M&M attended. Our girl is wise. Our girl is smart. Our girl is sad that Rachel no longer remembers her cousins.

**********

It has been a very long time since I have written and I had a lot to say. Maybe that’s what retirement and quarantine does to you when you have a lot of time on your hands.

Grateful

November...Thanksgiving...giving thanks.  Every school child has been given the assignment, at one time or another, to write about what you are thankful for.  Funny thing is, I have never sat down and done this myself - figured it was about time. 

What I am thankful for in my life:

* Brian
My husband, my partner, my friend, my love. 
He makes my morning tea, and since he is home in the mornings I go to work, he also gets my breakfast bagel ready for me.  He gives me flowers on my birthday and on our anniversary.  He finds special things to do for our anniversary.  Since I have developed wrist and back problems, he takes care of cleaning the floors.  Now that we are empty nesters he helps out in the kitchen, even if it's only dividing up the work for dinner like cleaning up and loading the dishwasher.  He's the one who encouraged me to retire from teaching, for our sanity and our marriage.  He has put up with my dark moods, sharp words, and selfish ways for 28 years.  Yes, he knows what I am like and he loves me anyway.  But what means the most to me is that he has been very supportive of me in this horrible situation with Michelle and Mark.  At first he felt caught in the middle, trying to appease her and be a good dad while being a good husband to me.  Believe me, I appreciated that - I knew how hard that had to be for him.  However, after many occasions of problems between Michelle and me, and finally after his ex-wife Debbie interfered once again, he saw the light - he realized that Michelle had learned from her mother how to blame others for problems she refused to face herself.  When he stood up to Michelle and Mark by telling them that if I was not welcome, then neither was he; that he was not abandoning our grandchildren but supporting his wife and partner and our marriage - I was most thankful and that meant the world to me.  His decision was not to abandon Michelle but to be true to our marriage; to show her that she could not continue to expect him to act out of guilt over her childhood, and that she was going to have to face the situation in a mature and responsible way if she wanted to have a relationship with us.  That was a huge step for him and not easy for him to do; he thinks about it every day but knows that not only was it the right decision to make but it was the only real decision he could make.  For all of this I am very grateful and thankful to have him by my side.

* Shannon
My sweet daughter
Shannon did not have an easy childhood.  She was very much wanted and I enjoyed being pregnant with her.  Her first 18 months were wonderful; she was a sweet baby and I loved watching her grow.  Then she entered the "terrible twos" and the joke was she was the poster child for three years in a row.  The truth is that she was a very trying toddler but I was also a very impatient mother.  I loved her dearly but I did not know how to deal with her tantrums, her stubbornness, her strong will...too much like my own, I suppose.  We had many rough times - I constantly yelled at her and she was constantly in trouble.  She was a procrastinator and never cleaned her room, and I would yell even more.  She wouldn't talk to me and I couldn't understand why.  I look back and realize that there was so much that I did wrong, and so much I did to harm her, and for that I am truly sorry and yes, even horrified by how I behaved.  Maybe I was ignorant...after all, the way I was raised was not much different.  I should have known better...after all the psychology and child development courses I had taken in college.  I knew all this and somehow, still managed to not be a very good mother.  I wanted to be one.  I wanted the two of us to be closer; I wanted her to talk to me and trust me and come to me when she had questions or problems.  Mostly though, I managed to shut her down.  Shannon developing alopecia didn't help, either.  I was so very proud of her for bravely dealing with her alopecia - when she first told everyone at school and we shared a video with a question & answer period afterward; when she calmly entered middle school with a bald head...I wanted to cry just seeing how calm and poised she was.  She was a good student, in choir until she graduated, and a talented beginning golfer, but I could never understand why she didn't push herself just a little bit more.  And now I look back and realize that I probably had something to do with that, undermining her confidence for years by not being open, loving, and supporting more than being angry and demanding.  All the things I wish I could do over... 
And then she became pregnant and gave birth to Rachel...our relationship began to change.  Sure, she changed - she was now responsible for a little human, but I changed as well.  I began to see her as a separate person, as an adult and not just my daughter who was an extension of me.  I see that she has struggled with confidence but works through it; I see that she has been a wonderful and patient mother to Rachel; I see that she works hard to succeed in school; I see that she works even harder on her relationship with Justin.  And I see that she hasn't abandoned me despite all our past troubles.  So yes, I am very grateful for my daughter Shannon, because I feel like I have been given another chance to be a good and loving mother to her.

**This was written 11/7/14  and never published. I was probably going to write more but finding this now, 5 years and 6 months later, I like it just the way it is.

One Year Later

It has been one year since our family was ripped apart.  One year since Brian began receiving ugly, angry, and extremely disrespectful text messages from his daughter Michelle, all because we chose to take Rachel to Dewberry Farms and did not invite the Smith family - despite the fact that they were in the midst of a planned garage sale.  Our outing was not premeditated and not meant to disrespectfully exclude them, rather it was simply something fun to do with Rachel.  What it became was, simply put, a nightmare.  (All of this is documented in my post "Family Tales.")

Why do I continue to agonize over this situation???  Why do I let it bother me as much as it does???  Why can't I just let it go???  It would be an absolute lie to even suggest that Brian and I have not been deeply affected by this whole mess; we think about it all the time and live with it on a daily basis.  While I have had no contact whatsoever with either Michelle or Mark, Brian has remained linked to them through Facebook.  He will occasionally "like" a photo as he did on a recent Halloween photo of Rian and Presley.  He was surprised to receive a message from Mark stating "You're missing out. Your Grand kids are amazing.  I honestly feel bad for you.  With that being said, I hope you are well."

Hmmm.

They don't get it.  They simply do not get it.

They do not comprehend that we are a team - husband and wife - and we support each other in all things.  We are not blind to each other's faults and we do not support each other blindly, but we clearly know the history in this situation and clearly understand from where the ugliness springs.

They do not understand that "we" will not be bullied.  We are all adults, and Brian and I expect that all four should act like adults.  That means, as Brian told them on numerous occasions, that we all need to sit down together and talk this out.  With Michelle refusing to ever allow me in her house again, and refusing to ever have the four of us meet to talk, that puts all the power in her hands.  She steadfastly refuses to budge on anything, so we are stuck and nothing will change unless she changes her mind.  And yet, because we are stuck and because Brian and I are a team, somehow it has become our fault that Rian and Presley do not see their grandparents.  What is truly unfair is to use your children as pawns, and Rian and Presley are those pawns.  The real reason they do not get to see their grandparents is because their Grandma Betty has been barred from their home, and Grandpa Brian will not allow their parents to drive a wedge between us.  If I am not allowed to visit, then he will not visit either.  Continuing to blame us for their actions is bullying us.  Continuing to expect that Brian will allow them to dictate how our marriage works is bullying him.

It truly is amazing that what began as a beef against us for taking Rachel to Dewberry Farms morphed into revealing, once again, Michelle's obvious deep-seated hatred of me.  So today I went back to my "Meaningful Writings" file where I keep writings important to me, including copies of various emails through the years between Michelle, Mark and me, plus all the messages about the most recent ugliness.  I re-read everything I had that involved them, and what I realized was how much she has truly hated me for years.  What truly sickened me was how much she managed to hide that through the years.  I look back at and remember all the good times we had together as a family and wonder, how could she fake it so well?  Why would she want to fake it for so long?  And what kind of person thinks that is a normal thing to do?

In Family Tales, Part 1, I wrote about Brian's and my relationship with Michelle during her childhood.  Mark once told me that I had never apologized to Michelle for treating her so badly during her childhood.  What???  I would definitely like to know what I "did" and what I am accused of doing.  The reality is that Michelle has never discussed her childhood or her "problems" with me, ever, and yet she (and Mark, who was not even around then) keep referring to them.  The only problem I ever had was with her mother Debbie, who despite being divorced from Brian, continued to treat him like they were married when she would call and bully him on the phone, turning him into an angry, raging and scary version of the man I had married.  After I wrote to Debbie, telling her in no uncertain terms and with Brian's blessing to back off and leave him alone - that's when Michelle decided she no longer wanted to visit us in the summer and cut off all communication with me.  Until she became an adult, she rarely communicated with "us" unless she needed something (money, braces, a car...) although she did manage to send occasional cards and gifts to Brian and Shannon only.  Despite all she did during her teen years to ignore the fact that I was married to her father, I made sure that Brian made efforts to stay in touch - even when he wanted to give up.  She has never acknowledged that...I'm guessing because she had years of hearing from her mother how evil I was, and how much better off she would be if I was not in the picture.

We later had some rough spots after Michelle and Mark moved here.  One was around Shannon's graduation from high school (her boyfriend at the time, her final choir concert).  I have always been better at explaining my position in writing versus in person, but when I attempted to discuss our issues with Michelle - key word, discuss - I found that was something she could not do without becoming very angry and ugly so I resorted to putting my thoughts in writing.  The response I got was not from her but from Mark.  The next instance was around Shannon's baby shower and Rian's birthday.  Again, I tried to explain and discuss my thoughts but everything I wrote was taken negatively and as an attack, certainly not my intent.  Then I had a very difficult time being cordial at a family dinner at Saltgrass because of how I had been treated by Michelle; in fact, because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I was so very hurt that I could not even talk at dinner.  I should not have even gone to the dinner, and by the time it was over, Mark began yelling at me in the restaurant and I screamed back and left.  Because of the bad feelings between us I made the choice to not attend Rian's birthday party and have to this day NEVER lived it down.  Apparently, I was expected to squash my anger and hurt feelings and pretend to be happy to be around Michelle and Mark.  My thought was to not attend in order to guarantee there would be no hint of unpleasantness and no fakery on my part but now I understand that faking it was what they wanted to see from me.  And even in the current situation, everything I did with the best of intentions was taken with the least of intentions and twisted to become something ugly and mean-spirited.  They simply had already made up their minds that what I (we) had done was meant to be hurtful and could not allow any thought that they might be wrong, or even try to see things from a different viewpoint.  They had already judged me to be guilty - of anything, of everything; no matter what I did or said or wrote was meant to be hurtful in their eyes.  I have had a very difficult time with that and it hurts me deeply.

For years, since Michelle and Mark moved to Texas, Brian and I have walked on eggshells.  He has felt guilty for not being the father that Michelle wanted him to be, disregarding that that opportunity was ripped from him by Michelle's mother when she made the decision to move them away from Texas (and Brian).  We knew that she disliked me because I stood up for him against her mother but I went ahead and welcomed her (and Mark) into our home, our lives, and our hearts.  Yet every time we had differences, she would return to her childhood and accuse me of having treated her badly.  But - we were never allowed to discuss that; in fact, we were never allowed to discuss anything as she would either get very ugly, shut down completely, or instead have Mark do the talking for her.  Never, ever, have we sat down and discussed her childhood or our differences like adults.  Because of her past, I do not have any real hopes of her choosing to work things out like an adult now. 

Strangely, both she and her mother have said to Brian: "Do you know what your wife is REALLY like??!?" and "She needs professional help."  Well.  I am the one who has taken many psychology classes in college and have had counseling on different occasions, as well as being open to improving myself.  What has Michelle done to make her qualified to state that I need professional help, when she won't even address or even admit that she has issues herself?  Has she taken numerous psychology classes (including child development) or has she been through counseling or even read any self-help books?  I doubt it.  All we can see, from past experience, is that she has been raised with the belief that I am and have always been evil and cannot be trusted, and therefore refuses to allow even the slightest doubt that I might not be nearly as bad as she has been led to believe.  That would destroy her carefully constructed world.

I truly feel bad for Michelle - because she has such a closed mind, and for her sweet children (who we do greatly miss seeing) - for having to grow up with a parent who has such a closed mind.  I hope they will find a way to rise above that as they get older.  And I hope that they will always know that their Grandpa Brian and Grandma Betty do love them to the moon and back.

"Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong.  When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.  It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance.  And because it is to important to protect that core belief, they will rationalize, ignore and even deny anything that doesn't fit with the core belief."  -Frantz Fanon

And now I would like to get on with our lives.  I really don't hold out much hope for a reconciliation in the future as it is not up to Brian or me or even Mark - only Michelle.  I did ask Brian if I were to die, would he seek a reconciliation with her and his response was that she would have to sit down and talk about all of this.  So with or without me, the conditions remain the same - either open up and be able to calmly discuss the entire situation (from childhood on) or live with the consequences:  knowing that your refusal to address these issues will weigh on you for the rest of your life, and will probably affect your children, just as it affected you.  And that is a sad thing to have on your heart.

See previous entry...

To say I am disgusted just scratches the surface.  I am beyond disgust over this "situation" with Michelle and Mark.  They just do NOT get it.  They do not understand that other people can have valid viewpoints, thoughts, opinions, reasons for doing the things they do.  They seem to live with the idea that they - and most other people - can live their lives certain ways but her father and I are not allowed to do the same. 

Mark continues to call Brian and on the one hand he seems to be somewhat understanding of Brian's position, which he sees as being supportive of me.  BUT...he continues to badger Brian about why he does not come over to their house to see the granddaughters and his own daughter.  Brian's response has always been that he will come over when we BOTH are accepted in their house but that we will have to talk things out first.  Mark says that Michelle refuses to do that so we remain at an impasse.  That is their problem, not ours.

They do not understand that our relationship and our marriage is our number one concern, not their feelings.

They do not understand that they are being very disrespectful of Brian by expecting him to bend to their will.  Again, our marriage is our number one concern, not their desires. 

They do not understand that one of the basics of a good marriage is to be supportive and understanding of each other.

They do not understand that Brian is not just being supportive because it is expected in a marriage but because it is what he believes and it is the right  thing to do.

Random Thoughts on "The Situation"

I have other things I could be - should be - doing, but no, here I am, obsessing again over this ugly situation with  Michelle.  Since I just cannot get this out of my mind lately, it must be that my subconscious self is telling me that it has been too long and I need to write about it.  So, okay...listen to the mind...

I still find myself pinning a lot of meaningful (to me) pins on Pinterest relating to the situation.  That's kind of ironic because that was one of the things she was so pissed at me about - BUT - in all honesty I never pinned things about my feelings toward/about her until after this whole situation came about.  The one pin she accused me of being about her simply wasn't - it was about the situation with my former principal.  But now that I have been accused of doing so...why the hell not??  Probably 75% of the pins now on my "Just Saying...My Therapy" page are for my feelings about this ugliness...unlike before all this started.  And the funny thing is, despite me unfriending her, unfollowing her, and blocking her on everything I can, she is still following me on Pinterest!  Go figure. 

There is still a lot that breaks my heart...
- The photo calendar I make every year has many photos of Rian and Presley included from last year.  I feel a big tug on my heart when I see those photos, and know that tug will still be there when I reach the months that DON'T include the two of them. 
- The photos of Rian and Presley around the house.  No matter what, they are still our granddaughters, but it is painful to realize our photos do not and will not reflect the girls as they grow.
- When Rachel talks about her cousins.  At first she mentioned them quite a bit but as time has gone by, she says less and less.  It used to be she would always say something about their photos hanging on our stairway, but no more...it is very sad that she has lost that contact with her cousins because of this ugly family situation.
- Father's Day.  Brian tried to hide it but I knew he was sad to realize that there would be no acknowledgement from their family on Father's Day.  He did not even receive a card from the girls.  Funny thing is, even though the day was for celebrating fathers, Michelle always made it about Grandpa by bring special gifts for him from the granddaughters.  Just her little way of digging at me through the years as Mother's Day was never celebrated in a similar way - not even a card.  But this year I think a piece of Brian's heart broke when he did not hear from any of them.  As much has he has done for them (ha, we both have) since they moved to Texas and now he is being punished for "choosing" me over Michelle.  Sick.
- Knowing they will not share in the joy of Shannon and Justin's wedding.  Michelle questioned Shannon when it became evident they weren't invited to celebrate Rachel's 3rd birthday; Shannon explained that her dad and I would definitely be there and she did not want any hard feelings or unpleasantness at a party so it would probably be best if they did not come.  The same will go for their wedding as Shannon will not be inviting them; that decision was made by her and Justin and was not discussed with me at all.  That's a tough one.  For years, Shannon was saddened by the emotional distance her big sister kept as she was growing up and overjoyed when she moved to Texas.  Unfortunately, reality was not a whole lot better and Shannon has come to see that being close to her sister was never going to happen, especially now.

And one more thing...
My sister-in-law let us know she would be coming to Houston in May and would love to visit us and Michelle.  I let her know we would love to see her but it would have to be separate visits.  She expressed an interest in knowing what happened so I sent her a link to this blog, being careful to explain that in no way was I trying to sway her into taking sides, but that this blog is how I deal with my own thoughts and emotions.  Later she told me she had decided to not read it beforehand as she didn't want to have that background information interfere with the visit.  No problem, I said.  When she got to Houston, she spent the day with Michelle's family and was to come visit us the next day.  When we did not hear from her, I texted to find out when she might arrive.  Her response was that she was very sorry but her friend had made other plans and she would visit us another time.  Ok, no problem I thought.  Then I got a wild hair and decided to check the traffic on this blog and behold - there was a MASSIVE increase in traffic on the day of her visit to Michelle's.  Hmmm, coincidence...???  I am thinking - not.  I am thinking that I have just been played for a fool.  I am thinking that "someone" is thinking that they "won" that round.  Sad sad sad...(insert your own thoughts here, please).

Brian is still "friends" with both Michelle and Mark on Facebook, and while he does not talk to them or even comment on any posts, he occasionally "likes" something.  He does share info about them with me, as well as photos.  I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing?  Do I really want to know how well they are doing? 

Why do I keep obsessing about this very ugly situation? 

Why can't I just let it drop?

Maybe I am somehow hoping that Michelle will actually grow up and see that she has been brainwashed by her mother for years?  Why would someone move to Texas and start a family, wanting to be near us and a part of our family, and then so quickly throw it all away?  Did she really hate me all these years she has been in Texas but hid it well?  If so, that is just sick.  If not, why the abrupt change?  The problem started with Dewberry Farms but very quickly became all about me...and I truly do not understand that.  I do not understand the statement that I (Betty) "needs professional help."  I do not understand why both Michelle and her mother would ask Brian "Do you know what she is REALLY like?"  Really, after being together for 27 years?  What kind of person turns like that?  Sadly, most people would never see any of this in Michelle because she does come across as a friendly, open, intelligent, warm person...until she believes she has been crossed, and then you are suddenly DEAD to her.  I am not the first person she has done this to, but perhaps the one that has had the biggest affect on the family.

I keep telling myself that we are so much better off without all the drama caused by her very closed mind.  It DOES hurt my heart that this has happened...it hurts a LOT.  And that is perhaps the very reason why I cannot let this go...because I am very HURT by all this ugliness.  Michelle is pulling all the strings and holding all the keys and making all the rules.  Maybe if I were strong enough to not let it bother me anymore then I could get this off of my mind and off of my heart. 

But I'm not. 

I am a deeply caring person and I know I have been wronged, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is to continue to live my life to the best of my ability and be thankful that I have Brian, Shannon and Rachel in my heart.

And no, Michelle does not win. 
She can't. 
She doesn't have us. 
And that makes her a loser. 








 

Family Tales, Parts 1, 2, and 3

Be forewarned...This is a L.O.N.G entry and it deals with family issues so read at your own risk. 

Family Tales

Part 1

Once upon a time there was a sweet little girl, with long brown hair and big brown eyes, who lived in Houston, Texas with her mommy and daddy.  They loved their little girl very much but did not love each other so they divorced when the little girl was in first grade.

The daddy moved into a one bedroom apartment, taking a bed, a chair, a black and white TV and little else besides personal belongings.  He ate a lot of rice and macaroni, but he looked forward to weekends with his little girl.  Soon, though, he began to dread Sunday afternoons, knowing his little girl would soon return to her mommy and he would not see her again until the following weekend.

A neighbor knew the daddy was lonely and so brought him to a nearby Catholic church, to a meeting for divorced people.  There he met a nice lady and they soon became more than friends.  He knew he could trust her with his little girl and so the three of them got together at his apartment for a simple dinner, swimming, and playing games.

All too soon the daddy had to say goodbye to his little girl as she was going to North Dakota for the summer to visit with relatives, but he looked forward to her return.  However, that was not to happen.  The mommy decided to move to North Dakota with their little girl and only brought her back to Houston to say goodbye to her daddy after relatives urged her to do so.  The daddy was very upset as he would miss his little girl, but there were promises that she could come to visit during the summer.

The daddy and the new lady married after two years.  The little girl was invited to the wedding but the mommy did not want her to attend as she would miss school.  So, the little girl came to visit during the summers.  Because both of the adults were working, the little girl had to go to day care at the local YMCA but evenings and weekends were spend playing games and going places together.   

But not all was happy.  The daddy paid child support to the mommy, but she accused him of not paying.  When the daddy proved with receipts he had made all payments, the courts took over and all future payments went through them.  The little girl came to visit as promised but the daddy always had to pay the bill for the air fare both ways.  In addition, the little girl often visited with half-empty suitcases so her daddy could fill them with new clothes.  He did not complain too much but the summer visits were very hard on him as he missed his little girl the rest of the year.  Eventually he told his new wife he did not want to continue the visits as they were very hard on him but she talked him into continuing, reminding him the visits were important to his little girl as well and this was the only way to stay close to her, so he relented. 

Daddy’s new wife was going to school to become a teacher and when she graduated, they found out the little girl was going to have a baby sister the next time she visited.   The little girl was excited to become a big sister and enjoyed playing with the baby during her summer visits.  The baby’s mom taught the little girl how to sew and they worked on crafts together, and she encouraged the little girl to keep a journal of her summer visits to show her mom how she spent her time with her daddy.  The little girl did not like to do this, though.  Still, the three of them enjoyed their time together playing games, going places in Houston, visiting friends in Seguin, and taking vacations together.

In between summer visits, though, there were continuing problems between the mommy and the daddy.  The mommy would call the daddy and conversations would quickly turn ugly; the daddy did not have the emotional tools to respond appropriately so he would yell, curse, pound walls, and throw things.  The new wife took this for a while but soon grew very tired of it.  After talking it over with the daddy, she decided to write to the mommy and tell her to stop badgering their little girl’s daddy.  The mommy did not take the letter well and told the new wife this was none of her business, and the new wife responded that it absolutely was as it was affecting their marriage.  Once, though, the mommy called the daddy to tell him their divorce had been a big mistake, that she still loved him and wished they were still married.  Soon after, the little girl, now 14, decided she no longer wanted to visit her daddy in Texas as she had other things to do with her own friends.  She also decided she did not like her little sister’s mother, and would send cards and packages addressed to her daddy and to her sister but purposely leave out her step-mother.  This hurt her step-mother's feelings but she still encouraged the daddy to stay in contact as much as possible with his first daughter.

Life continued in this way for several years.

Then the daddy was invited to his little girl’s high school graduation.  He flew in, intending to stay at a nearby hotel, but the mommy insisted he stay at their house – with the little girl, the mommy and her husband.  The daddy felt a bit awkward but it was only for one night and it was for his daughter, so he stayed.

After a few more years, the daughter – now an adult – decided to visit her daddy and sister briefly.  She came to the school where the step-mother taught as her sister was a student there.  Her step-mother took her and the daddy on a brief tour of the school and found her sister, and all went well.  It looked like the family dynamics were changing for the better.

Family Tales

Part 2

Michelle and her boyfriend, Mark, moved to Texas.  In fact, they moved 7 minutes away from us in Cole’s Crossing.  Because of the many years spent not speaking to me, I was – understandably – a little nervous about having her so close to us.  But her father and sister were excited to have her nearby so I swallowed by misgivings and welcomed her and Mark to Texas.  Our relationship thawed and began to improve.  We had our ups and downs, and I learned, mostly, to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself so as not to upset the delicate balance we were living under.  There were many times I went out of my way to make her a welcome part of our family, such as decorating their entry when they returned from their honeymoon, and setting up the crib for Rian’s impending birth while they had a baby shower in Arizona.  I wanted Michelle and Mark to feel like an important part of our family and soon we were getting together at least once a week.   We had some difficulties around the time of Shannon’s high school graduation and again around Rian's second birthday,but even those were eventually smoothed over - or so I thought. 

Michelle and Mark moved onward and upward.  Mark earned good money between his job at the Rockets and his real estate sideline, and even more when he moved into the oil & gas business.  They had a big new house built with lots of room for their two daughters and visiting family.  They could afford a lot of extras for the girls – Disney World, Disney shows, flying to visit family in Arizona, staying in condos in Florida.  The girls had many friends from preschool and were constantly invited to a variety of parties with fun activities; they had toys galore and lacked little.

Shannon and Justin were both college students and parenting Rachel on a very limited income.  We made the decision to have the three of them live with us in order to provide Rachel with stability while they finished school.  We had most of the upstairs available for them to use.  Rachel was a very happy child, happy to be around family – adults and children alike – and happy to play with simple toys.  She was happy to play in the pantry and kitchen cabinets, in bedroom closets and bathroom baskets.

We got together most weekends, usually for a family dinner at one home or the other.  Holidays and special occasions were always celebrated together.  We babysat for the girls when Mark’s mom was not in town.  We loved being around our granddaughters and not only did I sew cute outfits for them, we also had special activities together around the holidays.   And yes, we were often treated to Mark’s largesse with dinners at Saltgrass or Carrabba’s.

Everything changed when Brian and I decided to take Rachel to Dewberry Farms.  The others had recently returned from Disney World and were having a garage sale to get rid of an abundance of the girls' toys and clothing; Shannon was working and Justin wasn’t interested in going, and it was a beautiful fall Saturday after Halloween.  Rachel had a wonderful time but managed to hurt her knee while playing, and Shannon was concerned enough to take her to a doctor the next day – and posted it on Facebook.  Our outing was NOT a secret but that didn’t matter…

Brian and I were at a friend’s mom’s funeral when he started getting texts from Michelle:

M:  I sure hope y’all have a good reason for leaving out your TWO other grand kids.  I do believe we ALWAYS invite y’all to Dewberry Farms!!!  I’m very disappointed, yet again that my girls or myself or my family is treated differently and/or left out!!!

B:  I’m sorry I really should have asked.  Shannon and Justin never take her anywhere so we thought we would take her.  Forgive me I didn’t mean to hurt you.

 

M:  Not being rude but it’s not my fault or your other grand kids fault that your other daughter chose the life SHE made.

 

M:  Y’all have done this crap several tens and it’s wrong and sad! I have always felt like I get the shit end of the deal.  Between Christmas gifts that your other girls get compared to mine…So many things.  It’s NEVER equal!  It’s not right!B the way I don’t care about gifts or money but because I KNOW, it’s just sad!!

 

M:  It’s fine you want to get Rachel out, BUT all three can’t go at the same time?  What would that hurt?

 

M:  Betty’s always posting pictures on Facebook and since she didn’t that tells me it’s because y’all knew it was not the right thing to do.

 

(This was transcribed from texts exactly as written.)

 

Brian did not respond after his initial response.  He was very hurt and disturbed by the tone and the words in Michelle’s texts, and figured there was no reason to respond to any of it.  Michelle and Mark called later, and Brian again apologized but said he would not spend the rest of his life apologizing, this should be enough.

 

The following weekend Brian and I went to a play at HFAC and noticed in the program an advertisement for the play “Pinkalicious.”  We talked about it and thought it would be fun for all the girls to attend, especially as Presley and Rian had all the books and loved Pinkalicious.  However, after the previous set of ugly texts about Dewberry Farms, I felt it would be wiser to text Michelle the information than to engage her in a phone conversation.  We had not yet spoken and I had no desire to get an earful about our previous transgression.

Here is my text and her response:

B:  Your dad and I went to a play Friday night at HFAC, on Grant near Jones.  In the program was an ad for this musical.  We know Rian and Presley like Pinkalicious a lot so thought you might want to take them to see it.  We are going on Monday, Nov. 25 at 11am so thought I’d send you the link in case you want to get tickets as well, or go on a different day.

M:  Just wondering why you wouldn’t call so we could buy tickets together so that the girls could sit with there cousin? I’m guessing you already purchased Rachel a ticket….

I responded with a simple “This is a small theater with open seating” and left it at that.  I again had no desire to get into a war of words as this was an invitation to an event I thought the girls would enjoy.  Later on Facebook I let my friend Pam’s daughter Ashley know about the play as well (her granddaughter is Rachel’s age) and said I had invited Michelle and the girls but had not heard back yet, and this response was posted by Michelle:

M:  Sorry, I wasn’t aware your email was an invite and you were waiting for a response.  You said you already purchased for one grandchild and then you just let me know about the Pinkalioucious play because you know your other grandkids love Pinkalicious.

So, Michelle refused to acknowledge my invitation as an invitation.  True, I left it up to her because as she was already mad at us for Dewberry Farms, I was not sure if she would want to attend a play WITH us or another day/time.  I figured I would see how she responded (positively or negatively) and go from there.  I did not want a confrontation but really was trying to smooth things out a bit with the invitation; however, that was taken in the worst possible way and apparently only served to fan the flames into something much, much uglier…

A few days later Brian got a phone call from Mark, this time to complain about some of the motivational sayings and pictures I had shared recently on Facebook.  He claimed that they felt my posts were all directed at my (deteriorating) relationship with Michelle and were meant to be ugly to her – in particular, one that was something like “Little girls seek revenge but Big girls let karma take care of business.”  I was flabbergasted.  I share these things all the time and they certainly had nothing to do with Michelle, but they insisted otherwise.  I told Mark that this was not the time or place for a discussion and we should do this in person, but he kept on and despite my better judgement, I told him to stop being so selfish.  Then I cut myself off but the damage was done.  I hung up on him so he texted Brian: 

M:  I’m the selfish one huh? Really?!?!?! What a joke! I wont soon forget that one. That’s so insulting to me, I can’t even begin to tell you. Not being selfish would be inviting your other Grandkids to Dewberry Farms and Pinkalicious.  Wow.

The sad thing is, I meant it was selfish of them to think that what I was sharing was about them.   “Selfish” was not the right word though – a better word would have been “self-centered.”  And that was why I did not want to continue on the phone…

 After thinking about the latest episode for several days, I realized how much it bothered me and I felt I had to say something in general about the situation on Facebook.  This is what I wrote:

B:  Ok, I need to clear the air about something, and in the process this is NOT meant to hurt anyone's feelings but meant only to explain mine. I have thought long and hard about this for days. Here goes... My FB friends know I like to share meaningful and inspirational sayings and pictures, things that mean something to ME at that particular time. I share because obviously I connected somehow with what was posted; it affected me, made me think, and even made me want to be a better person. I like the reminders and obviously some of you do as well. They are NOT meant to hurt anyone else's feelings; if you take these posts personally, then perhaps the post is speaking to you as well. I am not evilly thinking as I share: "Oh I hope so-and-so sees this and is pissed by it!" as that totally defeats the intent of making us aware of our (possible) shortcomings and possibly making us think about how to be a better person. If you truly do not like what I share then you have three choices: ignore it, hide it, or unfriend me. Believe me, I have done all three of those at times myself. What I do NOT do is call up the person and tell (read: scream) at them for posting something they took personally and were offended by. Yes, this happened to me. I am sorry that person did not like what I posted, but in all honesty, the post was for ME and to help ME, not meant to purposely offend others. That truly hurt my feelings, to think that my purpose was mean-spirited. That said, I will not stop sharing inspirational and motivational sayings and photos. If you don't like them, then you know what you can do about it. Meanwhile, remember it is better to look for the good in others than to assume they are all bad.

Within minutes I got the following private text from Michelle:

M:  Betty, in so glad your trying to be a better person by talking MORE shit on Facebook! You definitely need to try to be a better person so keep up the good work with posting crap every 10 minutes every day to try and make yourself better! We both know you were referencing Mark! I'm glad my husband can stick up for me!

Well.  Ok.

After that last text I blocked her and Mark on Facebook and on my phone.  Several of my friends had posted messages of support so I had one more thing to say:

B:  Thank you everyone for the support; it means so much to me. The person/people complaining about my choice in posts are part of my immediate family. There are deeper problems that have been ongoing for years which I have tried mightily to overlook. I do not wish to air family difficulties here on FB but it weighs heavily on my heart that in their estimation, I can do NOTHING right. That is their problem, not mine, but I have lessened my burden by unfriending them and blocking them here on FB. No more bullshit from that quarter...problem solved!

Then Michelle texted Brian to “tattle” on me for the above post.  A friend in her mommy group somehow gained access to my page and sent her a screen shot, posted it on her mommy group page, and started comments about what a bitch I was.  Michelle then sent the screen shots to Brian, saying he needed more eyes and ears to see what his dear sweet wife was saying about his own flesh and blood.  And I thought, really??  What was so wrong about what I posted?  I was not the one sending very ugly texts to family members.   Instead, I was the one being attacked. 

 So my last post was:

B:  Well my dear friends, someone is having a bit of fun at my expense by sharing these posts with those who have been blocked. That is sad, and purposefully adding fuel to an already raging fire. Not that I have anything to hide, but it is quite obvious that person (or persons) is no real friend. Everything I have tried to do to rectify the situation has been turned against me. I think it best that if you have any further comments to share, please PM me instead.

 A few days later, Mark called Brian to invite him to dinner on the weekend.  When Brian said he needed to check with me to see if we had plans, Mark said the invitation was for him only.  Brian said he would talk to him later.  The next day Brian talked to Michelle to discuss the four of us sitting down and talking about all that was going on.  Michelle refused, saying I was not welcome in their home and she never wanted to see me again, and was he coming to dinner on Sunday.  Brian told her we would not be getting together if I was not included.  Michelle said what about your granddaughters?  Don’t you want to see them?  Brian told her this was not about the granddaughters, he loved them, but we would not be getting together unless I was included.  Michelle said I was crazy and needed professional help, and they would not sit down and talk with me. 

Since then Mark has called several times to see if Brian has changed his mind yet, that he has had to lie to the granddaughters about why they cannot see their grandparents (because the truth – that their mother refuses to speak about any of this – is not acceptable).  Brian has given the same response each time, that when Michelle is ready to sit down and talk, we will get together, and that she needs to know that we are a team.  He will not be put in the middle any more.  Mark continues to insist that will not happen so we are at an impasse.  The last time he called he did say to Brian that he doesn’t hold anything that has happened against me and for Brian to tell me he loves me. 

 We bought Rian and Presley’s Christmas presents before this situation became so ugly – and all about me.  When it became clear there would be no resolution before Christmas, Brian suggested we mail the presents because we did not want the girls to be left out.   I got the package together and Brian mailed it on a Monday; Tuesday afternoon he got a phone call from Michelle’s mother (in North Dakota) asking why we did not deliver the presents in person and it went downhill from there.  She started with how upset Michelle was and crying over the mailed presents.  Then she brought up the entire situation beginning with Dewberry Farms and moved on to past transgressions such as how mean I was and when Michelle would visit in the summer I would buy things for Shannon and not for her.  Really?   It turned into a screaming match as Brian lost his cool just like in the past.  Debbie asked him if he knew what his wife was REALLY like.  (Really?  After 27 years together…??)  He finally yelled at her to butt out and hung up on her.    

 So here we are, three days after Christmas and still no resolution in sight.  It sounds like the only person holding this up is Michelle herself.  That leads me to…

Family Tales

Part 3

When I first met Michelle and later married her father, I had no experience being a step-mother.   I did, however, have years of experience being a step-daughter.  Fortunately, both of my step-moms are wonderful people and I have not had any problems getting along with either.  Still, I tried to make Michelle's summers as enjoyable as possible by teaching her to sew, making a variety of crafts, visiting friends and yes, taking her shopping.  I know we shopped for clothes as she rarely brought enough clothes for the summer (her mother’s way of making sure we spent money on her?); she did not go without at our house.   I do not know where the “she never bought me anything” comes from as that is just not true.  Possibly as a new mother, when Shannon was a baby, buying baby things…??  I am not sure...but it obviously made enough of an impression on her young mind to hold it against me.  I’m just not sure it’s worthy of an intense, lifelong hatred of me.

 What I think happened is this – for years Michelle was the only child, loved by both of her parents.  It is possible she felt abandoned by her father but the reality is that it was her mother who took her away from her father.  Her father did not leave her – he was not even allowed any say in the matter when Debbie made the decision to move with Michelle to ND - but I made sure he maintained a relationship with her even when it was very hard on him.  She does not recognize this, at all.  Brian has tried to tell her this but she has refused to acknowledge it.  Then he got remarried and to make matters worse, had another child – no longer was she the center of his world, even from a distance, and I was now the intruder.  I do not know what her mother told Michelle about me, but from the years in her childhood when she refused to speak to me, it could not have been good.  It’s fine to believe all that someone you love (your mother) tells you, but at some point in life, most people grow up and begin to understand things may not be all you have been told, that it’s okay to consider other viewpoints.  And those problems resurface periodically because they have never been addressed, never been discussed, with me or with Brian.  Whenever we (Michelle and I) had any problems, she would always bring up my past transgressions, or whatever she believed them to be, to her dad and to Mark, but never to me.  Then things would blow over and on the surface, our relationship would seem fine.  But I always felt I was walking on eggshells with her, never knowing when something else might cause her to blow up.  For a long time we really did seem to get along pretty well, but I always held a bit of myself in reserve, realizing we could never truly be close as long as she had deep-seated issues with me, no matter how she managed to bury them at times. 

 
Living in North Dakota, Michelle was the only grandchild that Brian’s parents had around on a regular basis.  They loved all of their grandchildren but since they saw her the most, they knew her the best and had a special relationship with her.  I’m sure the rest of the family knew that and understood it, but I am equally sure that no one made a big deal of it or let it become a bone of contention.  So, she was used to being “special.”  Fast forward to today.  At our house it appears that Rachel is the “special” one because she lives here with us, and I think that eats at Michelle.  Rian and Presley were born into a life of privilege as their parents have money to spend on them – and that is their right, no one will dispute that.  Rachel, on the other hand, was born into lesser circumstances (but not lesser love) and since she lives with us, Brian and I have tried to make her life easier in small ways since Shannon and Justin don’t have the disposable income that Michelle and Mark have.  It has NEVER been about loving someone more.  Michelle does not understand that.  Her kids are always doing fun things and going fun places whereas Rachel stays home and rarely goes anywhere.  By taking her to Dewberry Farms, we were just trying to give her a fun day out.  That was the first time we had ever done something like that.  Instead of being understanding and generous and realizing what privileges her own children have grown up with, Michelle became jealous that the grandparents would take one grandchild somewhere special and not all of them. 

Compare to this:  Mark’s mother Mary Ann lives here in Houston half of the year.  When she is here, Michelle and Mark invite her to attend many events with their family such as Disney on Ice, Disney World, movies, and more.  That is one grandparent who is invited to many events.   Are we or have we been - as the other grandparents - invited to these same events?  No.  Are we jealous of Mary Ann?  No.  Are we upset with Michelle and Mark for not including us?  Again, no.  So what is the big deal?  The big deal is that Michelle chose to be hurt by Dewberry Farms because she looks at things only from her own viewpoint, not anyone else’s.

 Michelle apparently learned from her mother that it was not appropriate for me to “interfere” in her mother’s relationship with her father.  The truth is, I stayed out of their relationship for a long time, until the ugliness between them began affecting Brian’s and my marriage.  For years Debbie knew just how to piss him off, how to get him going, and he would not/could not defend himself against her.  It began to take a toll on our own relationship so we discussed how to fix things.  When I proposed writing to her, reminding her that they were divorced, that she could no longer tell him what to do, and to leave him alone, Brian was all for it.  It was shortly after that when Michelle stopped coming to visit us and stopped speaking to me.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I would say she learned from her mother to hate me for “interfering.” 

Compare to this:  Who calls now to talk about the problems we are having?  Mark, not Michelle.  Her mother Debbie, not Michelle.  Who is it who has the problem with me?  Mark or Debbie?  No, it’s Michelle.  So it is okay for her to expect others to go to battle for her, but it’s not okay for her father to do the same??

 Guilt.  Brian has lived with it for years, for not being there for Michelle.  The reality is he has little to feel guilty about.  His ex-wife removed their daughter from his life, not the other way around.  He did not abandon her growing up; I made sure of that.  Could he have been more attentive to her?  Possibly.  Even probably.  When Michelle and Mark moved here, it was a way for them to restart their relationship – that was a good thing.  Since then, Brian has bent over backwards to help out Michelle and Mark, sometimes doing things he didn’t really want to do simply because they said they needed him.  But, they have taken advantage of that, and now seem to believe that no matter what, and no matter what they say and do to those he loves, that they can guilt him into continuing to be there for them.   Unfortunately, they have acted selfishly far too many times and he has had enough of the guilt.  Actually, he has more than enough made up for whatever he might have done wrong in the past, and it is now time to stop the guilt.  That guilt has been used to try to drive a wedge between the two of us and fortunately Brian sees that.   No matter how many times Michelle has people question him, “Do you know what your wife is really like?” he can truthfully answer that yes, he does.  He knows he has a wife who has stuck by his side through thick and thin, who has helped him more than anyone else – including his eldest daughter – ever has; someone who has helped others and been generous and giving and thoughtful; someone who is honest and won’t put up with bullshit; someone who is a partner in every sense of the word.  The fact is that these current problems with Michelle have brought us closer than ever, and for that I am, in a weird way, very thankful. 

I am truly very sorry that this situation has become so horribly ugly.  I also do not believe that what Brian and I did together (Dewberry Farms) and what I have done on my own (Pinkalicious, Facebook) is worthy of this much ugliness.  Everything I have done was with the best of intentions and all was taken with the least of intentions.  I cannot help what others perceive; all I can say is nothing was ever meant in a mean or malicious manner and that it was taken as such only speaks to the heart of the receiver.

 So, the ball continues to be in Michelle’s court.  We have always been ready to sit down and talk like responsible adults.  Michelle has steadfastly refused to do so.  Why?  I believe she wants to continue to live in her own little world that she controls, that to open herself to the viewpoints of others might make her seem weak.  Sadly, that is so very wrong.  A strong person is one who is open and accepting of others.  Someone who dwells on the past and feels the need to control others is truly the weaker person – or emotionally immature. 

I have likened our relationship to that of a beach house built on the sand.  With every storm, more of the foundation is exposed and at this point, I feel like one good wave will wash this house into the depths of the ocean.  I find it difficult to believe that Michelle is so willing to throw away so much – her relationship with her father, her children’s relationship with their grandparents, and more…all because she is unwilling to open up and face her fears.

I found a great article that deals with people with this type of problem:

http://www.heartspiritmind.com/relationships/relationships-with-emotionally-immature-people

Here is the Dilbert cartoon of December 29, 2013.  Pretty spot on in this situation:

And one more - this really hits the nail on the head...